Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Better...But Not Great

It's been a couple of days since I've written, so obviously things haven't been too bad. On Sunday (or rather Saturday night), I still couldn’t sleep after my blog posting, so I wrote her a letter trying to explain what I feel. She read it the next morning, and said it was good, and we tried to talk about it a bit; but I still wasn't happy. We ended up talking more about the fact that I'm still very untrusting and afraid that she's going to try contacting Mr. Affair #1.

Later in the day, she must not have heard me coming, because I walked by her on the computer, and she was reading a website about divorce. Argh! Earlier in the day I had told her that my attitude was coming around; that I no longer thought our problems were unsolvable, so I wasn't really thinking about divorce any more. But apparently she is. I wanted to just let it go because I know how she would take the invasion of privacy of me seeing what she was reading about. But I couldn't let it go and brought it up. And of course, she reacted to the invasion of privacy, and actually let loose with a list (literally—a written list) of things I'm doing that are driving her crazy. Mainly things like checking her phone, checking her email, checking up on her when she's away from the house. All the paranoid crap I've been driven to because of the fact that she won't stop her contact with Mr #1! However, I admit I could also see her point of view; and that I would probably be going nuts if the situation were reversed, so I promised to try and cool it as much as possible. Not that I would stop; because I can't. And I don't think I should have to until she earns it (a comment which also pisses her off, but seriously, she should have to earn it!). But I promised to try, and I have been.

Later that day she went and talked with her mom and filled her in on a few more details, but not all of them. Actually, as far as she's told her mom, there's really only Mr #1. No mention of Mr #2. Which in my heart is the one that hurts most (#2), but #1 gets the most air time lately because he won't go away. Or rather, she won't let him go. Anyway, I was interested in her mom's side, since I know she would want what's best for "us." I trust her to be more objective and not purely side with my wife. And she did have a good perspective, that my paranoia is to be expected, but that I should probably back off. And I already agreed to that, so done. We ended up talking some more, and came to a good point, and ended up having a good night. We even got in to bed together if you know what I mean. It was a very good night. However, one thing we skipped talking about—on purpose—was that "lust" conversation. It made me feel good that she's the one who brought up sex later that night, but I know there is still unresolved stuff on that issue. But I wanted to stay on the "good" track, so I just wanted to avoid discussing it at all.

Monday went smoothly. A couple times during the day thoughts of Mr #2 came up a few times, and I just tried to block them out before it brought me down. Playing music in the car at full volume is a pretty useful trick. Or just thinking hard about something else. But it bothered me that it kept creeping into my head. In the end, the day went well. A definite thumbs up day.

Now today. I'm not being successful at all at blocking Mr #2 or our "lust" problems out of my head. Which is definitely bringing me down. In the words of MC Frontalot, "I don't want to be down." But I feel I'm slipping today and can't get a grip. I'm also wondering if I should even mention anything to my wife. I know she would want to know, and we've said to each other multiple times that we shouldn’t bottle up our feelings. However, she looks at me different when I'm having a bad time with things, and it makes her pull away. Which is the exact opposite of what I need. So I'm thinking of just trying my best to put on a happy face when I get home so I can have a "good" night.

What's weighing most on my mind is the combination of those two things above: What she did with Mr #2 and the lack of "lust" in our relationship. The two of those don't add up to me. She acted like there was still "lust" or at least sexual excitement in her heart with him. But she can't with me? What's up with that? That just plain hurts. Hurts, hurts, hurts. And the masturbation thing too: She's masturbating 3 times a week but she can't get excited about sex with her husband?! Again…hurts, hurts, hurts. What is wrong with me or us that she can't express those types of feelings with me!?! Fine, if she needs to orgasm to relieve stress, and the best way to do that is masturbate…fine. I don't mind. Seriously. But why can she talk with some other guy when she does it to make it more exciting, but not with me? What the fuck! That alone would improve my whole perspective; if she involved me in that. I'd feel like there was some sexual excitement in our relationship, and that there's not something she's willing to do with someone else but not with me.

That's the slippery slope I'm sliding down today. I gotta stop thinking about it before I get down too far. I'm hoping at therapy tomorrow we actually get a chance to discuss some useful things. So far in 3 weeks we've done nothing particularly useful. Maybe that was necessary "getting to know us" time for him, but we need help with our problems! I hope this is the week the help starts coming. We'll see.

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