New Pain For Today

I feel something new today. A different kind of pain than I've been dealing with recently. I actually just went back over my own blog messages to see if I've been "here" lately; and I haven't. But I've been here before. It's Mr #2. #1 has gotten the most air play lately. Mainly because he just won't go away. But honestly, he is the affair that I have the least problem getting over. In fact, each of the major times that something has come up (i.e. I found text messages or emails), I was 90% over it in a day. What has made it linger on is that my wife keeps hiding things from me with regards to him. Or just hiding things in general, which makes me think she's trying to hide details about him. I thought about it this morning, and it's really all that hiding crap that hurts the most in relationship to Mr #1. Otherwise, I'm not all that hurt about what went on between them. I think it crossed a line, but not very far. The only piece of unfinished business that I feel with respect to that affair is that she still won't admit that she crossed that line; even a little bit. Which bothers me, because it makes me think that she may cross it again one day, and we'll have to start all over. Even my therapist (who totally seems to be on my wife's side, which sucks…where's my therapy?!?) admitted that she was on a "slippery slope." I think that's a good way to put it. She didn't cross the line far, but once you're over a little bit, it doesn't seem like it would be too hard to keep going. And that's what I worry about. But not too much. I'm trying to lighten up on my "controlling" of her. Which I think is more in her head than in reality. Her "list" included things I wasn't even doing. Nor could I resolve…how can I prove I'm not checking her phone or Facebook account? Anyway, moving on from that one. I'm hoping that chapter is nearly closed. As long as she doesn't do something stupid again (like get a second cell phone).

So that means it's Mr #2. The affair that turned sexual. It just hurts so bad that she did that. First, that she could think that it was okay. She justified it to herself that it was no different than me looking at porn. But it's SO much different. It's with another person that you know, work with, and was talking to for about 2 hours a day. Anyway, it's not just that she did such a thing, but that it is a side of her I've never seen. It would be one thing if she did that sort of thing with me; or even if she were not willing to do it with me. But she's not. It's like he unlocked some sexual drive in her that I can't find. And that fucking hurts. My therapist said I need more self confidence. No shit. I knew my self esteem in the ways of sexual prowess have always been low. I didn't have much sexual experience before my wife. And many of the few experiences I had were bad. And then add to it that my wife never seemed interested in sex for many years now. So then she comes along and opens up sexually with some other guy. So my already low self esteem got pretty much rubbed into the dirt. And I'm supposed to work on that. Yeah, that will be easy.

This all got stirred up at therapy yesterday. I wish we would have talked about this subject more, but we ended up focusing on Mr #1 and those issues. Mostly my wife's issues with my "controlling" and "spying". I'm sure she walked away happy because her emotions were validated by the therapist. But I was left with "get over it." When Mr #2 came up. God, I can't even write any more to describe this because it hurts. It hurts to even say this. But here I go. We were on the subject of me needing more self esteem, and that women prefer to be the do-ees rather than the do-ers sexually. And my wife jumped in with, "yes, that's how it was with Mr. #2, that he described doing things to her." Holy shit that hurt to hear. First, I wouldn't want to hear that again even knowing that's what they talked about. But on top of that, I had not heard that before. What she told me they talked about while masturbating was describing what they themselves were doing. Now I have a whole new perspective. I can just imagine the dirty shit this guy said he was doing to my wife while she masturbated. My heart is racing now and my hands are shaking.

I gotta move on a little bit before I really melt down. Anyway, that's how I've been since after therapy yesterday when this shit got stirred up in my head. I can't help but feel pain thinking about what went on between them. And I don't know how to deal with it; other than time. But I'm sick of feeling like this and don't want to just wait it out. When I talked to my wife about what I was feeling, it was more like venting, and I know it wasn't useful. I don't know what I want her to say to help me. Maybe an apology? I'm not sure what I want. I don't even know if an "I'm sorry" would help. I know that part of me wants a full disclosure of details of exactly what they talked about. But I’m not sure if that's morbid curiosity or if it would actually help me. My book (Not Just Friends) encourages talking through all the details. But I know my wife doesn't put any stock in that book; especially since my therapist directly disagreed with it yesterday. At least knowing details would help me from obsessing over not knowing them. Or imagining things that are probably worse than reality. I really don't know. I don't know if she'd really tell me everything anyway.

On the subject of our therapist, that's another thing; I'm wondering if this guy is really going to help us much. I think he's a pretty good guy, but I also have a feeling that his experience is patching up marriages that have lost the love through other means: Not through affairs. The things I read in that book sound much better directed at my situation than some of the stuff that comes from him. I don't know; I guess I'll just wait and see. I'm also thinking that I've yet to get any real help from him. So that's another strike. We have a "seminar" this weekend, and another appointment next week. I think I'll wait through those and then evaluate whether I want to keep seeing him or not. Right now, I'm leaning towards no.

I think that sums it up for now. At least I'm a little busier at work lately so my brain has less time to dwell on this crap. I shouldn't have wasted my lunch time on this; but oh well.