The Day After

I woke up this morning still feeling very good about us. I do think that this is the most positive I've felt about fixing our marriage since all of this started. I just really hope we continue on this path. One of the things that my wife mentioned during our discussion was that the lust was gone from our relationship, and she was afraid the love was fading too. I can agree with that first part whole heartedly. Now, I still have lust for her; there's no doubt about that. I'm very physically attracted to my wife. Very. I've told her before that she's an 11 to me. However, like many women, she has self esteem issues and never believes a word I say. I admit that I probably over rate her because I love her so much. But I still think an average guy would give her a 9, and that's still worthy of some pride.

Anyway, getting back on track: I know our love life is one of the things that need work. It got boring. There's no doubt about that. Being a guy, I'll take boring over nothing. But I think she was at the point that nothing (or some self-love if you know what I mean) is better than boring. I've been trying to pysche myself up to be the more macho super-lover type because I know that's what she wants. I have no problem trying to do that; even if it's not my normal personality. However, I've been having a hard time really bringing myself to do that. I look at my wife, and really do lust for her. But then thinking about sex makes me think of what she did with Mr. Affair #2, and it sickens me. It also hurts when I think that some of our love has been lost, and it makes me lose more motivation. So I really have done nothing on this front to try to improve things. However, after yesterday, I was re-motivated. I was this close to trying to quickly seduce my wife after she got out of the shower. But I didn't.

A couple things held me back. First, my long standing memory of her not returning any of my advances. So fear of getting struck down was a big factor. Though, I probably have to get over that if we're really going to turn things around. Of course, then I think, "Why isn't she the one who works on that. It's her problem." Then I'm back to, "Maybe I need to be the one to take the first step." My brain is just as much of a roller coaster as my emotions lately. I also knew that one of my boys was very close to waking up. He was lying in bed awake. That would have spoiled the mood if he came wandering in. So I did nothing. I told myself I'd do it some other day this week. We'll see if I get the nerve or not.

During the morning, I reminded my wife that she needed to call the bank to order new credit cards. Which pissed her off. Funny how thin the line between love and anger is recently. It was looking like a good morning, then I was on the defensive because she was mad about what I did yesterday. I did feel bad; though part of me wanted to say, "Fuck you, it's your fault." But I didn't. Which is good, because she got over it. At least she said she did. She went back to smiling and we both at least appeared happy before we went to work. I think I still am. I'm coming down from the high of yesterday's talk, but I'm still in a relatively good mood. I hope I can keep it up.