Despair. Maybe.

I don't know what the heck I feel this morning. Despair felt like the word of the day until just a minute ago. I felt despair that the lust would never come back to our marriage; which is unacceptable from my point of view. And then despair that Mr. Affair #1 will never go away. He just keeps coming up! I don't want to have to think about him any more. I can't believe she can't give me that. It's to the point now that the repeated attempts to maintain her relationship with him hurt more than the initial conversations that started it all. I don't even care if he truly is "just a friend" or not at this point. It also hurt that she seems to begrudge the fact that I'm doing things to try to fix myself. She was mad that I'm blogging about it, and talking on message boards, and reading books. But what's stopping her from doing that!?

The only thing that turned pure despair into "maybe" was that I finally received the lost initial response to my email yesterday. It was a much more satisfying response than the re-write she sent later. At least in this one she said that she feels the same way; which is more encouraging than "slow down." It made me feel better; but not great. I still worry that the "lust" issue will never be resolved to my satisfaction. I wish we would have talked about it last night, but we were too busy fighting about stupid crap. Seems like the story of my life lately.

And I hate how nuts I've become. I never thought my emotions would swing so much hinged on a few words here and there. I wish I knew how to stop that. I've found things that help a little, but still not enough. Argh! I just want to scream sometimes.