Nothing Bad, So I'm Rambling

I've realized that this blog may end up seeming a bit emotionally one-sided. When I'm in bad moods, I'm motivated to put pen to paper (or electrons to silicon…whatever) and write my feelings down. But when I'm in a better mood, I'm less motivated. So I could easily tend to forget to write about the good times. And it's been fairly good times since yesterday. Yesterday started off feeling shitty and full of gloom, but my wife and I traded some emails during the day and I got feeling better. I apologized for some of the shitty things I've done lately. Like cursing at her (I really don't like that I did that, but it happens in the heat of the moment). I also promised not to do it any more. I hope I can keep that promise. Not just for her, but for me. Again, I don't like doing it, but when I'm that pissed, it's the only kind of word that seems to do my emotions justice. And cancelling her credit cards when I found out about the secret phone. And I did feel a bit like I may have instigated the fights on Wednesday night. Or at least not done my best to curtail them.

I'm glad I did that (apologized) because it helped us both feel better; and that's certainly a good thing. However, I sometimes feel resentful when I have to do that. It seems like I'm often the one who ends up apologizing in order to get out of a deadlock when we argue. I admit that sometimes I'm the one who should apologize. But other times, it seems like it should be her. Or it is a pure deadlock that someone has to be the bigger person. And it always seems like it has to be me. It's something I recognized for a long time in our relationship. She almost never apologizes for our arguments. Litterally almost never. And I always do. And I'm noticing that a lot again lately. Like I always have to be the bigger person to end the deadlocks. I wish she would do that sometimes. Or at least say, "I'm sorry too." I don't receive a lot of apologies. And the ones I do get are usually dissatisfying ones. Maybe she should read 'apologizing effectively': http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/rebuilding_trust/public/apologize.html.

Anyway, so I've mostly been feeling better. At least on the "good" side of the line. Maybe not far onto the good side, but it's better than being on the other side. I was thinking this morning why I'm not farther on the good side. When we're not fighting, things feel fairly normal again. But I think that's part of the problem. We have both said that we weren't happy with what was normal before. I really do wonder if we will both get what we want out of this marriage in the long run. And what is frustrating is that I feel I'm doing everything I can to give her what she wants, and I'll do more if she wants it. But I don't see the same efforts in return. And I know that it will take time to really get everything fixed, but I don't either see an effort or assurances that she'll make an effort. If she said something like, "Yes, I'd like to improve our sex life. I just need more time." That would be fine. But she doesn't even say that. If I had hope that we would get to a happy ending, that would help not having it right away. But I think I'm a bit shy on hope too.

I think I talked myself into it being okay, and not feeling too much despair. I know before all of this happened, she said to me at times that she wished I paid more attention to her. She'd point out things like I spend all my time on the computer and none with her. But often when she said these things, I'd think, "you're the same way." She wouldn't necessarily come sit down with me to watch TV. Or try to do things to spend time with me. She seemed equally selfish with her time. So I figured if she doesn't bother, why should I? So I'm guessing she felt the same way about keeping our sex life healthy: if he's not trying, why should I? So I can see how we got into the mess we were in. But now that I'm trying, I am expecting to see some effort on her part.

I also know that before all of this, I considered an affair myself. I never went looking for one, and an opportunity never presented itself to me. So nothing ever happened. But the thought crossed my mind. I've wondered to myself if I would ever go through with it. I know that now, I couldn't do it. I think I've been vaccinated against having an affair myself because of this. I couldn't do it knowing the pain it would cause. I'm not sure what I would have done if presented with the opportunity previously. I hope I wouldn't have gone through with it, but I can't truly guarantee it.

I don't know why I'm even bringing this up. I guess maybe just to make the point that we were both unhappy with the "before". I just hope we can get better now. Well, I think we have to, or we're doomed. I don't think I can go back to exactly the way it was before. I was living with it, but I think this mess has been a big wake up call. And I don't think I can go back to just living with it again. If I spent all my time to make her happy and got nothing in return, I would resent it. If I let it slip completely back to not giving her the attention she wants, I would be very worried this would all happen again. And I couldn't go through this again.

Also, thinking about the fact that I considered an affair, and I now know I couldn't do it, makes me also empathise a little bit with what my wife is probably feeling now. I would feel so guilty for bringing this on us. I know she feels guilty, but I really don't know to what extent. She doesn't talk about it much. I do wish she would open up to me more often. I've considered sending her some of my blog entries. (She knows I have this blog, but doesn't know the address. And I think it would be tough to find by searching for it) Actually, I did the other day. I don't think I'll be sending this one; actually I'm quite sure I won't. But at the same time, I think I would want to know the deepest details of what she's thinking about. So why not share mine with her? I don't know. I guess I'm afraid of how she'd react to some of these things. Like what if she knew I considered an affair too? Would it make her feel less guilt about her own mistake? Or would it make her pissed off at me and try to turn the tables? I don't know.

Well, for an entry I thought was going to be brief, I sure rambled on for quite a while. Better call it quits for now.